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Staring Into the Abyss

Have you ever started a project that warmed your soul like golden rays of sunshine each time you made progress until the fateful day, your progress stutters to a halt and those golden rays get replaced by the inky blackness of despair? When days grow into weeks, months, maybe years said project remains untouched, a barrier of despair forms as thick as tar you have to wade through to pick back up where you left off? Just me?

It’s been so long since I wrote a post on my website that as I sat down to write this very post, I spent the first so-and-so minutes staring at a blank page and let the blackness of my despair wash over me. Despair at all the time that passed without an update; all the missed opportunities of cool topics and events that occurred and racked up this past year.

Last month, once I finished knitting my last gift sock, I finally deemed it was time to pick back up my temperature blanket, my Big Idea for 2019. I made so much great progress until I got hit with a whopping depression bat in August. In fact, I hadn’t knitted anything until I decided to fulfill my promise to gift my three friends with a pair of socks each for helping me organize my yarn  a monumental task.

I found my blanket project complete with the squares I already knit so far, when I searched for an image on my phone related to the project and came across another saved image:

“If you quit now… you’ll end up right back where you first began. And when you first began, you were desperate to be where you are RIGHT NOW. KEEP GOING!

Why, thank you Past Me, for saving this inspirational quote. I had no idea at the time I desperately needed this.

I also should mention last fall I experienced another pivotal moment. While despairing over my knitting, I rediscovered my writing. I picked up a book I left unfinished for an age and read it from beginning to end — or rather, where I stopped right before the major climactic ending. It was nail-biting! I couldn’t stop reading once I began, and ended up pulling an all-niter to finish it.

One hundred thousand plus words in its unedited glory, and here I was gobsmacked over my own craft. A craft I knew I lacked any particular talent in. I even remember the days I slaved over this piece, thinking the entire time it’s no good and all for naught.

For 2020, I promise myself I will pick up where I left off on each of these projects and keep going.

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